Monday, November 13, 2006
宛若初恋
前几天和他约好每天中午互相打个电话. 他的电话如约而至. 问他为何打电话, 他笑说, 你让我打的呀. 那一刹那, 心底竟泛起一丝娇羞, 一种宛如初恋时卿卿我我的感觉. 不知是不是因为周末没见的想念. 在一起也有十几年了, 感情竟日见浓密醇厚了. 也不负这些年的点点滴滴,曲曲折折.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Reading
"Life takes patience", I don't remember where I read this. I do know that I will remember this sentence forever. The following quotes on reading are adapted from Oprah's July issue; some I've seen before, some not. I cannot agree with them more on what reading means in people's life. Hope I can always have time to sit down and enjoy reading and have conversations with wise people. To listen, to laugh and cry, to learn, to feel, to see, and to enjoy the life God gives us.
Through the use of books, I had the whole world at my feet, could travel anywhere, meet anyone, and do anything.
Reading was my escape and my comfort, my consolation, my stimulant of choice: reading for the pure pleasure of it, for the beautiful stillness that surrounds you when you hear an author’s words reverberating in your head.
In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.
The best moments in reading are when you come across something-a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things-which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone who is even long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.
Writing and reading is to me synonymous with existing. My home is where my books are.
Literature has been the salvation of the damned, literature has inspired and guided lovers, routed despair and can perhaps…save the world.
Read deeply, not to believe, not to accept, not to contradict, but to learn to share in that one nature that writes and reads.
A great book should leave you slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading it.
Poetry can clear away the clutter, providing a tranquil space where thinking …is possible.
Books, I found, had the power to make time stand still, retreat, or fly into the future.
I would be most content if my children grow up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.
Through the use of books, I had the whole world at my feet, could travel anywhere, meet anyone, and do anything.
Reading was my escape and my comfort, my consolation, my stimulant of choice: reading for the pure pleasure of it, for the beautiful stillness that surrounds you when you hear an author’s words reverberating in your head.
In every work of genius, we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.
The best moments in reading are when you come across something-a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things-which you had thought unique and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone who is even long dead. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.
Writing and reading is to me synonymous with existing. My home is where my books are.
Literature has been the salvation of the damned, literature has inspired and guided lovers, routed despair and can perhaps…save the world.
Read deeply, not to believe, not to accept, not to contradict, but to learn to share in that one nature that writes and reads.
A great book should leave you slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading it.
Poetry can clear away the clutter, providing a tranquil space where thinking …is possible.
Books, I found, had the power to make time stand still, retreat, or fly into the future.
I would be most content if my children grow up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Love and courage
When you have a difficult time in school, at work or home, what's the first word you want to hear the most from your loved ones? I think it's love, unconditional. Love makes you feel being understood and makes you strong. So that you have the courage to face and deal with the challenges in life. Love makes you feel encouraged automatically because you don't want to let your loved ones down. Suggestions or even critisim are taken more easily and effectively based on love.
Sometimes, the unpleasant events we encoutered are partially due to our own fault. However, the first word I want to hear the most from my loved ones is not an objective and calm analysis of what happened. I want love and compassion first. I can then cool down and put myself together as a stronger me for tomorrow. John has always been supportive and patient as long as I don't complain about the same thing repeatedly. Then he would want me to get out of the bad mood and think about what to do, either to remedy or to avoid similar things in the future. Remembering once I was very upset about things at work. I complained to him for about 15 minutes. He started to recommend what to do next to remedy and fight back. Then I said: "I don't want to hear this; I am not finished complaining yet." John said:" I thought you are done. Why do you need to repeat the same thing over and over? Why not just think about actions?" This sounds a little funny now, but at that time, I was upset and vulnerable and need a lot of love. With me getting more mature and gaining more working experience, I am able to get out of the unpleasant mood more and more quickly. I would think about solutions and actions myself after complaining for about 5 minutes. But again, when we were young and fresh, we need a lot of love from the family.
Love wouldn't make you timid; love would make you courageous; love makes you face the world confidently; love makes you want to achieve something, not only for youself, but for your loved ones.
I am trully feeling that life is like a desert without love.
昨天爸爸打电话解释妈妈的性格, 说到许多年前我春节左右在北京上新东方, 打电话回家时哭了. 妈妈当时具体说的什么记不得了, 只记得大概是: 有什么好哭和难受得, 又不愁吃穿, 有学校上 (不理解和不屑的语气大有觉得我身在富中不知富的感觉)......爸爸说妈妈这样说不是就让你没有那么难受了吗? 爸爸说如果说心疼你很受苦,你不是就会不上学而回家了. 当时也没有辩解什么, 后来想想觉得这个问题很有意思. 父母对孩子说心疼说理解说同情, 孩子就会很懦弱不敢面对困难要当逃兵吗? 反之, 父母对孩子在学校和生活中遇到的困难一概以"不愁吃穿还身在富中不知富"来教训, 孩子就会很勇敢吗? 不知道别的孩子会怎么接受, 我只知道他们那样对我和我后来的努力奋斗没有什么关系, 只是让我的心很冷. 相反他们如果表示同情和理解, 我可能努力奋斗的时候会更有动力.
这一切都过去了, 我现在有了自己的家, 再也没有对他们倾诉的欲望和需要. 我只是在思考爱与勇气的关系. 我仍然认为绝大多数人都会因为爱而更开心地勇敢面对困难和生活.
Sometimes, the unpleasant events we encoutered are partially due to our own fault. However, the first word I want to hear the most from my loved ones is not an objective and calm analysis of what happened. I want love and compassion first. I can then cool down and put myself together as a stronger me for tomorrow. John has always been supportive and patient as long as I don't complain about the same thing repeatedly. Then he would want me to get out of the bad mood and think about what to do, either to remedy or to avoid similar things in the future. Remembering once I was very upset about things at work. I complained to him for about 15 minutes. He started to recommend what to do next to remedy and fight back. Then I said: "I don't want to hear this; I am not finished complaining yet." John said:" I thought you are done. Why do you need to repeat the same thing over and over? Why not just think about actions?" This sounds a little funny now, but at that time, I was upset and vulnerable and need a lot of love. With me getting more mature and gaining more working experience, I am able to get out of the unpleasant mood more and more quickly. I would think about solutions and actions myself after complaining for about 5 minutes. But again, when we were young and fresh, we need a lot of love from the family.
Love wouldn't make you timid; love would make you courageous; love makes you face the world confidently; love makes you want to achieve something, not only for youself, but for your loved ones.
I am trully feeling that life is like a desert without love.
昨天爸爸打电话解释妈妈的性格, 说到许多年前我春节左右在北京上新东方, 打电话回家时哭了. 妈妈当时具体说的什么记不得了, 只记得大概是: 有什么好哭和难受得, 又不愁吃穿, 有学校上 (不理解和不屑的语气大有觉得我身在富中不知富的感觉)......爸爸说妈妈这样说不是就让你没有那么难受了吗? 爸爸说如果说心疼你很受苦,你不是就会不上学而回家了. 当时也没有辩解什么, 后来想想觉得这个问题很有意思. 父母对孩子说心疼说理解说同情, 孩子就会很懦弱不敢面对困难要当逃兵吗? 反之, 父母对孩子在学校和生活中遇到的困难一概以"不愁吃穿还身在富中不知富"来教训, 孩子就会很勇敢吗? 不知道别的孩子会怎么接受, 我只知道他们那样对我和我后来的努力奋斗没有什么关系, 只是让我的心很冷. 相反他们如果表示同情和理解, 我可能努力奋斗的时候会更有动力.
这一切都过去了, 我现在有了自己的家, 再也没有对他们倾诉的欲望和需要. 我只是在思考爱与勇气的关系. 我仍然认为绝大多数人都会因为爱而更开心地勇敢面对困难和生活.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Hectic days
My life has been a little hectic recently due to the conference in Canada a couple of weeks ago and a few other things. Just got the weekend to take a deep breath; new things that need to be done in a timely manner came again.
Survive or thrive, I can only say it's a luxary to feel satisfied with survival. You are like running on a wheel if you want to thrive. Still uncertain about a few things in my life, job, house, further education, ...... I've been using a time management approach-priority a lot recently and found it very useful. It helps sort out things and approach them one by one in your busy schedule.
Cooking myself a good dinner, excersie, and taking a hot bath are the plan tonight. I need to rest and relax. There are always things to finish in life. I need to slow down a little bit.
Survive or thrive, I can only say it's a luxary to feel satisfied with survival. You are like running on a wheel if you want to thrive. Still uncertain about a few things in my life, job, house, further education, ...... I've been using a time management approach-priority a lot recently and found it very useful. It helps sort out things and approach them one by one in your busy schedule.
Cooking myself a good dinner, excersie, and taking a hot bath are the plan tonight. I need to rest and relax. There are always things to finish in life. I need to slow down a little bit.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Busy Monday
I felt so relieved after the turmoil last week. It has been like an awful circle for years: hope, disappointment and hurt again and again. I am so glad that I had the courage to break the circle and get the people who hurt me out of my life. It took tears and years to do that because they are my parents.
By posting the article last week about those unpleasant old days, I felt like getting those bad things into a trash bag and relieving the burden forever. I then wrote my parents a letter telling them how deeply they hurt my feelings all these years. I deleted their reply without reading it. I had a good sleep that night.
Of the past 33 years, I probably only spent 3-5 years with them according to my memory, and the rest with my grandparents before I left home for a boarding school at an age of 14. Now it's over; I am happy about it. I don't need those parents who hurt me and take advantage of me all the time. I have God in my heart who knows everything, understands and blesses me.
It's been a busy Monday at work. I did something stupid at work. But as John said, never mind. Everyone does stupid things sometimes. Put those behind and don't repeat mistakes. I plan to read a few Chinese books tonight. I'll probably find the original English versions for some. It's still much easier and faster to read something in your native language.
By posting the article last week about those unpleasant old days, I felt like getting those bad things into a trash bag and relieving the burden forever. I then wrote my parents a letter telling them how deeply they hurt my feelings all these years. I deleted their reply without reading it. I had a good sleep that night.
Of the past 33 years, I probably only spent 3-5 years with them according to my memory, and the rest with my grandparents before I left home for a boarding school at an age of 14. Now it's over; I am happy about it. I don't need those parents who hurt me and take advantage of me all the time. I have God in my heart who knows everything, understands and blesses me.
It's been a busy Monday at work. I did something stupid at work. But as John said, never mind. Everyone does stupid things sometimes. Put those behind and don't repeat mistakes. I plan to read a few Chinese books tonight. I'll probably find the original English versions for some. It's still much easier and faster to read something in your native language.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
拜拜,陈年旧事
长长的陈年旧事......
父母年轻时做革命工作忙, 把我和弟弟两人长年放在奶奶家. 这在那个年代是很普通的事, 尤其对很年轻就有了孩子的双职工来说. 婆媳之间是免不了有矛盾的, 大小之分罢了. 妈妈对爷爷奶奶多年的痛恨并未因他们照顾我和弟弟而减轻, 未因父母之间深厚的感情而减轻, 也未因几十年的岁月而改变, 至少这是我的理解, 更未因爸爸妈妈后来成了富翁而缓和. 之所以和钱扯上关系是因为这一切源于一块爷爷在爸爸妈妈结婚前承诺的一块手表, 很显然, 妈妈说爷爷用一种无比狡猾的手段没有给妈妈买那块手表. 原因是为了省钱. 手表在那个年代也是很普遍的定亲礼物吧.
我在奶奶家呆的时间长, 奶奶待我很亲, 小孩子哪里知道大人之间的恩怨. 我只知道在奶奶那里是多么的自由和无拘无束, 因为我感觉到爱和亲情. 和弟弟争执甚至打架爷爷奶奶一般情况都判我赢. 妈妈对我的不喜欢就很自然了. 加至他们认为弟弟是个神童宝贝和小孩子的出生带给他们的狂喜, 我在父母的家里象个童养媳, 不好意思,有点夸张. 我只比弟弟大两岁, 从小就被教导什么事都要让着他, 许多事情记不清楚了, 有几件事却是今生都忘不了了. 希望写了这片文章之后忘掉这一切的不快乐的陈年旧事因为我现在很快乐因为有爱.
大概五六岁的时候, 有一次在家里找到一篇爸爸写的文章, 爸爸妈妈都是有一点文采的人. 那文章热情澎湃地记述了弟弟的聪明伶俐带给他们的狂喜. 我不记得其他的内容了, 因为我伤心地嫉妒地不忍心地没把它读完. 我在他们心里是什么? 我在学校是优秀生, 在邻居眼里是好孩子, 为什么他们不喜欢我? 小孩子也有心的, 有心就会感觉到爱. 他们对我有爱吗? 哪怕有一点点, 我不会去和弟弟争宠. 这篇文章验证了我平时的感受: 我只是个没有避免掉的小生命, 弟弟才是他们的结晶和期待.
可能有七八岁的时候, 有一次和弟弟在家, 不知为何打了起来. 爸爸到家的时候, 我正好把弟弟打倒在地, 不记得有没有把弟弟的鼻子弄出血, 有也不是故意的, 天地良心. 爸爸一声怒吼, 把我踢翻在地. 且不说弟弟和我谁是谁非, 一个成年人的一脚比起小孩子之间打架如何? 小孩子也有心的, 那颗心很冷, 冷得感觉不到身体的痛.
就这样从懂事起就很沉默, 于是就更不被喜爱, 总是被批评数落之后悄悄落泪, 不分辨, 也不认错. 在奶奶那里活泼非常的小女孩不复存在了. 非常小心翼翼地避免麻烦, 还是惹了祸. 上初中的时候有一次到了吃晚饭的时候, 不知为什么弟弟一直没回来, 我们就先开始吃饭. 小孩子正发育饿得特别快, 正好那天有我爱吃的一道菜, 我就傻呼呼地一直吃, 直到妈妈用筷子敲了我的手伴随着厌恶的一句:就知道吃, 不知道给弟弟剩一点. 我哭了, 十几岁的女孩有自尊了, 从家里哭到学校的操场, 躲在漆黑的操场一直哭和恨自己. 不知道有没有想到死, 可能想到了也不知道怎么做吧. 后来不知道爸爸怎么找到我的, 回家去了, 从此吃饭小心翼翼. 不想再被嫌弃厌恶, 不想再伤心地哭.
后来去了姥姥家在的城市读高中, 和父母远了没了矛盾也没了感情, 有的只是义务. 平时住校, 周末同学都回父母家, 我却不想回去姥姥家. 我想奶奶, 也想爸爸妈妈, 虽然和他们在一起也不快乐, 还是想. 就这样去了另一个城市读大学, 到了大二的时候开始知道爱美了, 要穿衣打扮,就向父母申请除了生活费之外的费用. 被批评不节俭, 然后还是给了我一些额外的钱, 感觉象乞讨. 父母那时也是有些钱的, 我那时大学不收学费, 只是一点点学费和生活费. 等到弟弟两年后读同一所大学, 在九十年代初的校园里, 送到洗衣店里干洗白衬衣. 弟弟谈恋爱有专款, 不知他是否也向父母申请才得到还是父母认为这是必需. 记的我几年后在那所大学读研究生的时候, 弟弟到我宿舍来, 走了后同宿舍的人说你们太不象姐弟了, 弟弟那么时髦, 姐姐却很朴素. 我不知道当时心里做何感想, 早已麻木了吧.
妈妈对男孩女孩颇有她的一套教育理论. 虽然她自己也是知识分子, 她认为男孩不用做任何家务, 女孩应该从小学做所有家务. 每每饭后, 弟弟把饭碗一推就或坐着看电视, 或离开, 我满腔不高兴地收拾. 偶尔爸爸看不过去来帮忙洗碗, 妈妈就说让她做, 以后嫁了人总要做的. 我那时发誓要么终生不结婚, 要么我将来的爱人一定疼惜我会和我一起做. 弟弟谈了几个女朋友, 最后一个也分手了, 我有一次提到要一个皮包, 妈妈拿出一个弟弟女朋友退回来的皮包说有多好多好, 有多贵. 是不是很非夷所思？我平静地拒绝了, 再一次地接受失望. 不会再哭了, 要有也是愤怒. 在这之前和之后, 妈妈没有给我买过一个皮包. 我在她的心目中永远只是一个生下来整天哭的讨厌孩子. 许多年后先生给我买了一个奢侈的皮包, 我感到我的这个心结可以永久地去了. 开心!
要出国了, 父母迫于亲戚同事之间的脸面不得不请客, 妈妈说结婚出国就这一回了. 后来和先生哭诉, 先生说都怪他出身贫寒, 他连申请费的钱都是借的. 那时父母的财产何止百万? 连一点象征性的礼物也没有. 若干年后见到弟弟夫人的钻戒, 也不羡慕因为先生拿到奖学金已经给我买了个更大更好的, 哈哈, 好开心! 刚到国外两年的时候, 父母打电话说又买了一套大房子. 他们话中很慷慨地说给你留一个房间,就不让你出钱了. 这是他们的第三或第四套房子. 我和他们几十年的经历说明他们会留一丝一毫的财产给我吗? 他们买豪华房子的时候可曾想过我在开旧车,租便宜房住不舍得吃蔬菜只有点奖学金?
来国外八年了, 他们不知道我这里和家里的时差, 直到有一天弟弟也来了. 他们从来没有给我打过一次电话. 我如果一个月不打, 他们还是不打. 当然他们知道打弟弟的电话. 在这里三年的时候以毕业的名义邀请他们来探亲, 说忙, 没来. 现在弟弟来了且有了孩子, 他们要我发邀请帮他们申请签证. 我当时刚工作而且为什么不让弟弟以毕业的名义申请他们探亲? 他们本来就是为了来带孩子. 弟弟发邀请信, 签证被拒. 过了几个月, 要我发邀请说不但来帮弟弟带孩子, 而且将来我有了小孩, 也可以帮我. 又过了几个月, 再问说弟弟已经把孩子送幼儿园了, 他们不需要来了. 那他们当时说的为了来帮我的事呢? 敢情当时也就是为了从我这骗个邀请信啊?
最近又催我要孩子说我年龄大. 既然我的一生和我的结婚对他们来说都那么无所谓, 他们会关心我的孩子? 真是只有天相信．不愿意再和他们纠缠，写这些是为了和他们的关系到此为止，可能那样大家都更高兴．
我和父母之间的不愉快教我珍惜和先生的爱，他陪我走过了许多．我发誓要好好爱我未来的小孩，要让大孩子小孩子在我面前先感觉到爱和欢乐，然后才有纪律和对错．我发誓要平等地对他们．
拜拜，我和父母的陈年旧事！
拜拜，父母亲，我从此不会再为你们难过！
我有天上的父亲和他送给我的先生的爱！
父母年轻时做革命工作忙, 把我和弟弟两人长年放在奶奶家. 这在那个年代是很普通的事, 尤其对很年轻就有了孩子的双职工来说. 婆媳之间是免不了有矛盾的, 大小之分罢了. 妈妈对爷爷奶奶多年的痛恨并未因他们照顾我和弟弟而减轻, 未因父母之间深厚的感情而减轻, 也未因几十年的岁月而改变, 至少这是我的理解, 更未因爸爸妈妈后来成了富翁而缓和. 之所以和钱扯上关系是因为这一切源于一块爷爷在爸爸妈妈结婚前承诺的一块手表, 很显然, 妈妈说爷爷用一种无比狡猾的手段没有给妈妈买那块手表. 原因是为了省钱. 手表在那个年代也是很普遍的定亲礼物吧.
我在奶奶家呆的时间长, 奶奶待我很亲, 小孩子哪里知道大人之间的恩怨. 我只知道在奶奶那里是多么的自由和无拘无束, 因为我感觉到爱和亲情. 和弟弟争执甚至打架爷爷奶奶一般情况都判我赢. 妈妈对我的不喜欢就很自然了. 加至他们认为弟弟是个神童宝贝和小孩子的出生带给他们的狂喜, 我在父母的家里象个童养媳, 不好意思,有点夸张. 我只比弟弟大两岁, 从小就被教导什么事都要让着他, 许多事情记不清楚了, 有几件事却是今生都忘不了了. 希望写了这片文章之后忘掉这一切的不快乐的陈年旧事因为我现在很快乐因为有爱.
大概五六岁的时候, 有一次在家里找到一篇爸爸写的文章, 爸爸妈妈都是有一点文采的人. 那文章热情澎湃地记述了弟弟的聪明伶俐带给他们的狂喜. 我不记得其他的内容了, 因为我伤心地嫉妒地不忍心地没把它读完. 我在他们心里是什么? 我在学校是优秀生, 在邻居眼里是好孩子, 为什么他们不喜欢我? 小孩子也有心的, 有心就会感觉到爱. 他们对我有爱吗? 哪怕有一点点, 我不会去和弟弟争宠. 这篇文章验证了我平时的感受: 我只是个没有避免掉的小生命, 弟弟才是他们的结晶和期待.
可能有七八岁的时候, 有一次和弟弟在家, 不知为何打了起来. 爸爸到家的时候, 我正好把弟弟打倒在地, 不记得有没有把弟弟的鼻子弄出血, 有也不是故意的, 天地良心. 爸爸一声怒吼, 把我踢翻在地. 且不说弟弟和我谁是谁非, 一个成年人的一脚比起小孩子之间打架如何? 小孩子也有心的, 那颗心很冷, 冷得感觉不到身体的痛.
就这样从懂事起就很沉默, 于是就更不被喜爱, 总是被批评数落之后悄悄落泪, 不分辨, 也不认错. 在奶奶那里活泼非常的小女孩不复存在了. 非常小心翼翼地避免麻烦, 还是惹了祸. 上初中的时候有一次到了吃晚饭的时候, 不知为什么弟弟一直没回来, 我们就先开始吃饭. 小孩子正发育饿得特别快, 正好那天有我爱吃的一道菜, 我就傻呼呼地一直吃, 直到妈妈用筷子敲了我的手伴随着厌恶的一句:就知道吃, 不知道给弟弟剩一点. 我哭了, 十几岁的女孩有自尊了, 从家里哭到学校的操场, 躲在漆黑的操场一直哭和恨自己. 不知道有没有想到死, 可能想到了也不知道怎么做吧. 后来不知道爸爸怎么找到我的, 回家去了, 从此吃饭小心翼翼. 不想再被嫌弃厌恶, 不想再伤心地哭.
后来去了姥姥家在的城市读高中, 和父母远了没了矛盾也没了感情, 有的只是义务. 平时住校, 周末同学都回父母家, 我却不想回去姥姥家. 我想奶奶, 也想爸爸妈妈, 虽然和他们在一起也不快乐, 还是想. 就这样去了另一个城市读大学, 到了大二的时候开始知道爱美了, 要穿衣打扮,就向父母申请除了生活费之外的费用. 被批评不节俭, 然后还是给了我一些额外的钱, 感觉象乞讨. 父母那时也是有些钱的, 我那时大学不收学费, 只是一点点学费和生活费. 等到弟弟两年后读同一所大学, 在九十年代初的校园里, 送到洗衣店里干洗白衬衣. 弟弟谈恋爱有专款, 不知他是否也向父母申请才得到还是父母认为这是必需. 记的我几年后在那所大学读研究生的时候, 弟弟到我宿舍来, 走了后同宿舍的人说你们太不象姐弟了, 弟弟那么时髦, 姐姐却很朴素. 我不知道当时心里做何感想, 早已麻木了吧.
妈妈对男孩女孩颇有她的一套教育理论. 虽然她自己也是知识分子, 她认为男孩不用做任何家务, 女孩应该从小学做所有家务. 每每饭后, 弟弟把饭碗一推就或坐着看电视, 或离开, 我满腔不高兴地收拾. 偶尔爸爸看不过去来帮忙洗碗, 妈妈就说让她做, 以后嫁了人总要做的. 我那时发誓要么终生不结婚, 要么我将来的爱人一定疼惜我会和我一起做. 弟弟谈了几个女朋友, 最后一个也分手了, 我有一次提到要一个皮包, 妈妈拿出一个弟弟女朋友退回来的皮包说有多好多好, 有多贵. 是不是很非夷所思？我平静地拒绝了, 再一次地接受失望. 不会再哭了, 要有也是愤怒. 在这之前和之后, 妈妈没有给我买过一个皮包. 我在她的心目中永远只是一个生下来整天哭的讨厌孩子. 许多年后先生给我买了一个奢侈的皮包, 我感到我的这个心结可以永久地去了. 开心!
要出国了, 父母迫于亲戚同事之间的脸面不得不请客, 妈妈说结婚出国就这一回了. 后来和先生哭诉, 先生说都怪他出身贫寒, 他连申请费的钱都是借的. 那时父母的财产何止百万? 连一点象征性的礼物也没有. 若干年后见到弟弟夫人的钻戒, 也不羡慕因为先生拿到奖学金已经给我买了个更大更好的, 哈哈, 好开心! 刚到国外两年的时候, 父母打电话说又买了一套大房子. 他们话中很慷慨地说给你留一个房间,就不让你出钱了. 这是他们的第三或第四套房子. 我和他们几十年的经历说明他们会留一丝一毫的财产给我吗? 他们买豪华房子的时候可曾想过我在开旧车,租便宜房住不舍得吃蔬菜只有点奖学金?
来国外八年了, 他们不知道我这里和家里的时差, 直到有一天弟弟也来了. 他们从来没有给我打过一次电话. 我如果一个月不打, 他们还是不打. 当然他们知道打弟弟的电话. 在这里三年的时候以毕业的名义邀请他们来探亲, 说忙, 没来. 现在弟弟来了且有了孩子, 他们要我发邀请帮他们申请签证. 我当时刚工作而且为什么不让弟弟以毕业的名义申请他们探亲? 他们本来就是为了来带孩子. 弟弟发邀请信, 签证被拒. 过了几个月, 要我发邀请说不但来帮弟弟带孩子, 而且将来我有了小孩, 也可以帮我. 又过了几个月, 再问说弟弟已经把孩子送幼儿园了, 他们不需要来了. 那他们当时说的为了来帮我的事呢? 敢情当时也就是为了从我这骗个邀请信啊?
最近又催我要孩子说我年龄大. 既然我的一生和我的结婚对他们来说都那么无所谓, 他们会关心我的孩子? 真是只有天相信．不愿意再和他们纠缠，写这些是为了和他们的关系到此为止，可能那样大家都更高兴．
我和父母之间的不愉快教我珍惜和先生的爱，他陪我走过了许多．我发誓要好好爱我未来的小孩，要让大孩子小孩子在我面前先感觉到爱和欢乐，然后才有纪律和对错．我发誓要平等地对他们．
拜拜，我和父母的陈年旧事！
拜拜，父母亲，我从此不会再为你们难过！
我有天上的父亲和他送给我的先生的爱！
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Love and house
They have been in love for 14 years and married for 8 years. At first, he drove seven hours to see her every two weeks. A few years later, they got closer; he drove four hours to see her every week. Life is not perfect; what is important is their hearts are always close. They talk hours and hours on the phone everyday not feeling the distance nor out of words. The sales agent asked them if they were in love at the first sight when they were looking to buy a house. She said yes within seconds, as if she saw the boy and the girl falling in love on the beautiful campus 14 years ago. What the sales man said next brought her back to reality. He said "if you were, you will probably buy the house that way".
Is love like shopping? Marriage might be in some sense, but love is not, especially at the moment when the hearts are attracted. Love is love, nothing else. Marriage is like a house built by love, the bricks, but a lot of other things are needed too such as caring, tolerance, and understanding. They will keep looking for the "perfect" house. They have found the destiny for their hearts 14 years ago; they are home to each other.
Is love like shopping? Marriage might be in some sense, but love is not, especially at the moment when the hearts are attracted. Love is love, nothing else. Marriage is like a house built by love, the bricks, but a lot of other things are needed too such as caring, tolerance, and understanding. They will keep looking for the "perfect" house. They have found the destiny for their hearts 14 years ago; they are home to each other.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Test and love
I did reasonably well in the test considering the time I spent on studying. For a few minutes in the beginning of the test, I was so nervous and couldn't concentrate, partly because of the clock alarm. Time was passing and I couldn't help staring at the clock instead of the test on the screen. I forced myself back to the tests and the following went ok. I am so glad that it's over now! Time to celebrate!
Feeling so relaxed and rewarding, I can now freely do my other favorite things after work without feeling guilty about not studying. Exercising, watching my favorite movies and sitcoms, reading, and daydreaming feel so special and precious to me after I stopped doing them for a while.
I recently learned that a friend of mine has been doing pretty well since I met her a couple of years ago. We are not friends actually, just happen to share the same friend. I do like her personality and feel so glad for her now. Back then, she was so upset and desperate and had a hard time getting herself back together from a sad love story. I was so sympathetic and angry with the guy who hurt her so deeply.
Like other sad love stories, the guy broke up with her after they've been dating and engaged. She loved him so much that she wanted nothing but leaving this world. I was so shocked and am still shocked by what the guy said to her and to his friends "I don't love her any more; I cannot spend my life with someone I don't love; Whether she commits suicide or not has nothing to do with me". If there is nothing wrong with the break-up itself and the first two sentences, the last one draws a line between a human being and a devil. I am still a little emotional when I think about this today. People, when you hurt a person like that with no mercy, are you thinking that you yourself some day will have daughters who need love, care, and dignity from others? From the girl's perspective, if the guy cares nothing about you, there is nothing you can do but live a better life for yourself and the people who you love and love you too.
These types of things are always easier to say than to do. I am just lucky enough not having met anyone that bad. I am so glad to see that she recovered, got a graduate degree, got married, and found a job. Everybody can live well without anybody; what we need is just a little healing time......
Feeling so relaxed and rewarding, I can now freely do my other favorite things after work without feeling guilty about not studying. Exercising, watching my favorite movies and sitcoms, reading, and daydreaming feel so special and precious to me after I stopped doing them for a while.
I recently learned that a friend of mine has been doing pretty well since I met her a couple of years ago. We are not friends actually, just happen to share the same friend. I do like her personality and feel so glad for her now. Back then, she was so upset and desperate and had a hard time getting herself back together from a sad love story. I was so sympathetic and angry with the guy who hurt her so deeply.
Like other sad love stories, the guy broke up with her after they've been dating and engaged. She loved him so much that she wanted nothing but leaving this world. I was so shocked and am still shocked by what the guy said to her and to his friends "I don't love her any more; I cannot spend my life with someone I don't love; Whether she commits suicide or not has nothing to do with me". If there is nothing wrong with the break-up itself and the first two sentences, the last one draws a line between a human being and a devil. I am still a little emotional when I think about this today. People, when you hurt a person like that with no mercy, are you thinking that you yourself some day will have daughters who need love, care, and dignity from others? From the girl's perspective, if the guy cares nothing about you, there is nothing you can do but live a better life for yourself and the people who you love and love you too.
These types of things are always easier to say than to do. I am just lucky enough not having met anyone that bad. I am so glad to see that she recovered, got a graduate degree, got married, and found a job. Everybody can live well without anybody; what we need is just a little healing time......
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Internet: virtual and real
John helped me set up this blog today; and I finally became an official blogger as so many others have been for a long time. Internet has shaped our lives in so many ways that we almost cannot live without it in our daily lives. Although the internet plays a positive role in most cases, we need to use it wisely and avoid getting addictive and wandering on the internet aimlessly. The reason is simple; besides this wonderful virtual world on the internet, we have a real life to live in the real world. I'll be offline for a week to prepare for an important test. Good luck!
Saturday, August 12, 2006
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