一位父亲给毕业生儿子的人生建议

Adapted from Wall Street Journal: 2014-05-31

不久，我在圣路易斯(St. Louis)观摩了儿子亨利(Henry)在华盛顿大学(Washington University)的毕业典礼。在他向成人世界进发之时，作为父亲，我会给他提供什么建议呢？我尽所能尝试给出了以下这些父辈们的人生智慧：

1. 假如你不注意的话，你会一生都在追求你自以为会让你永远快乐、但实际上只会给你带来极短暂快乐的目标。你会渴求下一次的晋升与加薪。然而，几个月后，那只不过是一份数额不同的薪水而已。你会贪求更大的房子和崭新的汽车，但是六个月过后，那所大房子将只是一个住处、新车也只不过就是个在城里四处走动的工具。

这里所讨论的问题是一种被称为“享乐跑步机”的现象。我们追求这些目标，当然它们也会给我们带来很大的快乐。但是，我们很快就会变得不满足，又开始去追逐别的东西。

2. 你们这一代人会拥有极长的寿命。2000年，美国初生婴儿的预期寿命中值为77岁，而一个世纪前出生的人的预期寿命中值只有47岁。此外，随着年龄的增大，你们的预期寿命还会延长，这表示当前为65岁的人有望活到85岁左右。其结果是：你们成为了一项大规模实验的一份子，数百万人不仅将在职场中度过前所未有的漫长年限，他们的退休生活也将是空前地漫长。

3. 从现在起的20年后，你可能会没有现在这么快乐。我们一生当中的满足感往往呈U形变化，据报道我们在40多岁时的满足感会跌至谷底。

可能的情况是，在我们成人生活的头几十年中，由于我们开始意识到自己年轻时的雄心将无法实现，我们的幸福感会随之降低。进入中年，我们开始接受这一现实，这时我们的幸福感会开始回升。

4. 你会想为自己构想一种人生，在这样的人生中你能从事自己热爱的事情。我们往往在为自己认为重要的目标而奋斗时觉得最快乐。

你想要升职和加薪以便买房买车，这都没问题。但是，如果你为此付出的代价是从事自己所厌恶的工作，那么你就是自寻苦恼。从事自己热爱的工作是很重要的事情。旅程实际上比目的地更为重要。

然而，在一个你有望活到八九十岁的世界中，一段旅途或许还不够。若要拥有充实的人生，你也许还需要偶尔换个职业。在你退休之时，努力也不应停止。在50多岁和60岁出头时，你应该好好考虑什么能让你的退休生活有目标感。

5. 致富的秘诀并不是什么秘密：你需要很好的储蓄习惯。是的，确实有人继承了大笔财富或建立了成功的企业。但是，大多数的美国富人都是通过一月又一月坚持不懈的储蓄而致富的。

6. 一开始，金钱能买来很多快乐——但是自此以后，它能带来的快乐就没那么多了。假如你能帮助别人脱离贫困，你就能大大提升他们的幸福感。但是，此后再要让他们明显变得更快乐似乎就需要大量金钱了。

7. 积累财富的动机就是让你不用为钱发愁。这有点像健康问题。只有当你生病时，你才会意识到感觉健康是多么美好。

同样地，只有当你缺钱时，你才会知道拥有稳健的财务基础是多么美妙。金钱的积累或许不会让你幸福——但是没有钱可能会让你极其不幸福。你要达到的是无需为金钱烦忧的境界。

我们如何把以上这七个方面联系起来呢？眼下让你感觉开心的职业，在20年后或许就不再让你快乐，那时你可能会想做些截然不同的事情。你想要做的事或许很重要，但可能不能给你带来丰厚收入。

我的建议是：在头几十年的职业生涯中为自己打造稳健的财务基础，这样一来你就能自由地从事自己心仪的任何职业了。

这表示你要拼命存钱。尽管如此，你也不会错失很多东西。你渴求的所有那些财物只会给你带来微乎其微的快乐，真正能让你快乐的是努力追求你对之满怀激情的事物。我会鼓励你好好管理自己的财务，如此你就能做到这一点了。

The millionaire in you

财富管理方面都是一些众所周知的理念：指数基金，长线投资，等等。此书反而是其他的内容让我觉得很有共鸣，虽然也知道一些，但是作者总结的很好。

Quote 1: you are a grown up when you can laugh at yourself

Q2: invest your time actively and your wealth passively

Q3: exercise to clean your body, learn something new to clean your mind, listen to music to clean your soul, laugh everyday--a sense of humor is incredibly healthy!

C1: live the life you want instead of the life others expect

• what do I want out of life? where, who, how
• translate your dreams into goals, career, family, recreational, community, person relationship, self-esteem, religious and spiritual
• check your goals for compatibility and set priorities
• translate your goals to action plans

C2: stack the odds in your favor instead of against you

• long-term gain is never the result of short-term thinking
• life is a daring adventure or nothing
• get a good education but don't overpay
• choose the right kind of career
• you enjoy and find meaningful
• holds your itnerest
• makes the most of your talents
• gives you a feeling of accomplishment
• enables you to live the lifestyle you want
• ensure good health
• live in an area of low cost of living
• marry once to a frugal spouse who shares your vision of financial freedom
• buy a moderately-priced home
• have a moderate number of children

C3: be a super saver instead of a big spender

• a million dollar buys you freedom, not extravaganza
• saving is better than earning
• financial freedom is free
• saving is as simple as VST: vision, strategies, tactics

C4: increase the market value of your time instead of working long hours

• you don't have to be the one who works the most hours, just the one who is most there during the hours you work
• keys to building value: what you do, how well you do it, the difficulty of replacing you
• focus on employability instead of job security
• earning is rooted in learning
• create a side income, build your brand
• practice lateral loyality
• be a practical imagineer
• use feedback as a basis for improvement
• know your value and don't be afraid to leave a job
• Money flows to value

C5: do less better instead of trying to do it all

• time management
• decide what's most important
• sent goals and priorities to do what's most important first
• develop good habits to do what's most important most efficiently
• the way to get more done is to do less better
• two traps to avoid:
• confusing activity with productivity
• confusing urgency with importance
• how to do less better and get more done
• have a daily quiet time for reflection and planning
• carve out large blocks of time to work on important activities
• make the most of prime time
• say no to the unessential
• keep a loose schedule with a backup plan
• attack important jobs with a single-minded focus
• automate as many clerical,repetitive and trivial tasks as you can
• delegate everything but genius
• conquer the clutter
• take steps to block interruptions
• be the master of your telecommunications tools instead of their slave
• ask yourself: what's the best use of my time and energy right now?
• never take time for granted

C6: capitalize on the unexpected instead of being derailed by it

• keep your eyes on the prize
• don't be afraid of success
• use disappointment as an incentive to spur you on to even greater success
• don't let other people's opinions limit your success
• remember that every time one door closes, another door opens
• hang loose, take your dreams, your goals and your work seriously, but not yourself
• the principle purpose of life is to enjoy it, and taking yourself too seriously defeats the purpose
• when you take yourself too seriously, you tend to physically and mentally tighten up. It hurts creativity, and we tend to get very rigid in our behavior.
• your grow up the day you learn how to laugh at yourself
• hang loose, be flexible, treat it like a game, enjoy the journey and leave the long faces to those whoa re going to live forever
• never, never, never quit

C7: own the market instead of trying to beat the market

• own and hold index funds

C8: limit your losses instead of letting bad luck ruin you

• insurance
• don't smoke
• exercise regularly
• if you drink, limit yourself to two drinks a day
• wear seat belts and don't drive under influence
• eat the right food and maintain the proper weight
• get enough rest
• get regular medical,dental and vision checkups
• smile and laugh a lot

C9: listen to those who know instead of who sell

C10: do it now instead of regretting it later

J1: stay financially independent

J2: keep physically and mentally active

J3: experience the joy of giving something back

J4: remember, the journey is the joy

爱

我们被爱，然后被遗忘，但这些曾经拥有的爱已经足够
所有那些爱的动力，会回到那些创造它们的爱身边，爱甚至不需要回忆
在生和死之间，爱是桥梁。爱是唯一的生存，唯一的意义。

我的母亲去世了，My mom left this world

我尽量克制自己不哭。这样我才能好好写一篇纪念母亲的文字。

我的母亲大约四个月前去世了。她走的很突然，又很必然。她受身体和感情的双重折磨已经多年。我没有来得及和她说最后一句话。等我匆匆飞越大洋回到父母的家，走廊里已经布满了花圈家里已经设了灵堂响起哀乐。面对墙上悬挂的黑白照片，我的心凝固了麻木了，只觉得这一切很怪异。我明明不久前才和她视频了的。我跪下磕头，满心恍惚。去医院最后亲了妈妈冰冷的脸，从记事起没有和妈妈亲吻的记忆。这是和妈妈第一次也是最后一次的亲吻。我想对妈妈说：休息吧，上天看你太累了，终于不需要战斗了。

小姨当天晚上给我说了很多话：我母亲的财产，父亲犯了错误之后的无奈，我应该在父亲的立场上理解父亲，我母亲如何不会过生活，如何不会打扮取悦父亲，我要谨慎处理我的财产等等。唯独没有提起的，我也没有感受到的是作为母亲的亲妹妹，她有一丝的伤心。听起来她说的是为我好，但是怎么感觉这么别扭？父亲的错误大都是母亲的责任？原本以为姨们是母亲这边的人，我糊涂的心慢慢开始清醒，我的疑惑慢慢升起，我的愤怒开始蔓延。她一定是被人收买了。我后悔当时没有斥责她，但对她这样的人斥责有用吗？我只为母亲感到悲哀。亲情在金钱利益面前什么都不是。

父亲和我的第一句话在几天后才到来，奇怪的是作为母亲生前最后陪伴的亲人，他并无寻常亲人去世时的悲痛歉疚，他给我展示破了的床架，沙发等，说母亲不让他买新的等等。我想他肯定心里在庆祝自己从此自由了，可以过他为所欲为的生活了。

在家的几天，我心里的愤怒多于悲痛。在回来的飞机上，周围都是陌生人的时候我的悲痛终于如决堤的大坝奔涌出来：我那么聪明却那么可怜的母亲啊！！！！！！

我的母亲是家里的大孩子，下面有四个弟妹。那个年代生存尚且不易，父母更加无暇顾及最大的孩子。母亲天姿聪慧，考上县里唯一的重点高中，还是班上的团支书记及大家默认的校花。高中就和父亲要好，从此种下孽缘。高中毕业下乡，父亲远赴新疆参加军队，母亲千里探亲，相聚时棉衣已破烂不堪。后来父母分到一个工厂工作，母亲从机械工人做起，后来自己努力做了厂里的播音员，工作条件才好些。文革来了，年轻气盛的父亲被关押到监狱，母亲找在省会的外公，找一切可以帮忙的人帮父亲免除牢狱之苦。我夜里醒来总看到母亲在昏暗的灯下给戏剧团绣戏服以补贴家用。而她的公公婆婆还嫌母亲交给他们的钱不多而多有微词。在工作之余自学电大课程，从工厂里的工人调到市里的报社，写一手漂亮文章。为了督促父亲去一个更好的环境，不惜与他争吵。我记忆中两人在洛阳的火车站都还在争吵。这些在今天看来都是不好的征兆。父亲后来的公司慢慢发达，母亲还未占到一点好处却发现了父亲的一个惊天大阴谋。痛苦就此开始了。

母亲的要强性格注定了她选择了一条无比艰辛无比危险的路。她十八岁就好上的人，怎能拱手让人？复仇没有错，可是要有身体和精神的本钱。她未曾料到自己的生命也赔了进去。朋友说她选择了自己想要的生活。也许终究对于母亲，自由比生命更可贵。也许她早已厌倦了这样的人生。也许早已背叛她的父亲对她仍然比我们重要。也许如果她知道自己的生命如此脆弱她会有不同的选择。也许如果她知道我们心里比表现出来的更爱她，。。。我心里纵有无数个问题无数个也许，但是再也没有机会知道答案。

看着那一叠叠母亲这几年给我们汇款的汇款单，那一刻我泪如泉涌。在黑暗中听着无法逃脱这首歌，妈妈，你终究还是无法逃脱宿命吗？

My mom passed away almost four months ago, on November 1, 2013.

乐观, 2014

女儿有些敏感，大小事都会掉眼泪。昨天去学校接她，告诉爸爸说老师没有给她画公主，她感到sad. 我于是想怎么教她不在乎这些小事。又一次她说有小朋友说不跟她一起玩,我想怎么教她交朋友，怎么乐观。

我的2013诸多不顺，先是一次简单的年初流感被庸医耽误然后感染到甲状腺，后来反复几次复发，最后吃了生平第一次的100多片药才治愈。这样大半年就过去了。年底的时候家里亲人突然就走了。

我突然想到教女儿的这些乐观，不在乎，勇敢，我自己是否也做到了？为什么总要关注生活中不顺利的一面？总要为坏人作的坏事生气？既然人生的苦难不可避免，为什么不忽略那些负面的事情，负面的人？既然人生苦短，为何不多关注那些正面的事情，好的，爱你的，在乎你的，你也爱也在乎的人？

记住：爱的初级反义是恨，爱的终极反义是：不在乎，淡漠和遗忘。

人生苦难重重, Life is difficult

人生苦难重重。Life is difficult.

这是个真理，是世界上最伟大的真理之一。它的伟大，在于我们一旦想通了它，就能实现人生的超越。只要我们知道人生是艰难的，只要我们真正理解并接受这一点，那么我们就再也不会对人生的苦难耿耿于怀了。
This is s truth, one of the greatest truths. It's a great truth, because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult. Because once it's accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

人生是一个面对问题和解决问题的过程。
问题能启发我们的智慧，激发我们的勇气。
问题是成功或失败的分水岭。为了解决问题而付出努力，能使思想和心智不断成熟。
Life is a series of problems. Yet it's in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning.
Problems are the cutting edge that distinguish between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and wisdom; indeed they create our courage and wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.

人生的痛苦具有非凡的价值。勇于承担责任，敢于面对困难，才能够使心灵变得健康。
The value of difficulties in life lie in learning and growing by facing the problems, suffering the pain, and working them through and solving them.

--"Road less traveled", 少有人走的路。

About work

Someone summarized the work life very well:
1. 10%的精力放在工作本身, 2. 50%精力放在提高自己的专业能力找下家, 3. 40%搞搞人际关系,不要闷头工作.

工作的目的:
1. 赚钱养家, 2. 积累经验, 3. 认识人好推荐.

千万别把同事当成朋友或自己人无话不说,一定会后悔莫及.

Books I wish I've read earlier

I've read a few business books recently that I felt I should have read earlier. Thinking back-- I've made so many mistakes dealing with people in my early career, but nobody at work ever told me that even in a criticizing way. I guess I was being naive and expected too much of a business/corporate world in U.S., especially in a bad economy. Nobody at work is your friend; your colleagues are there not to help you, but to work with you--for their own purposes. Life is cruel at work; there are many valuable lessons you have to learn by yourself. Nobody will warn you or teach you anything, not even the "nice" boss you thought at first.

People usually say your nice boss isn't your father; they only have time to deal with your work outcome, not to spend time mentoring you as your father. That being said, even my farther or mother didn't teach/mentor me anything since I went to college. Yes, I owe them for helping and sending me to college. I owe them nothing after that. Not on how to get most out of college life, not on how to succeed after failures, not on how to deal with unfair life......., definitely not on how to succeed at work. Our relationship kind of ended when I went to college and got worse after that.

I am not regret about what happened before. It is what it is. What happened makes the current  and unique me: independent, quick learner, strong. However, I do want to have the opportunity to tell my daughter about my stories hoping they will be useful to her. I'll start compiling a book list for her someday to cover many aspects of life.

I. Business books
1. Robert W. Goldfarb, What's stopping me from getting ahead
2. Think like men, win like women




The lessons I learned at work from my own experience and from reading these highly useful books:


1. People skills and emotional IQ are the most important. Work is not only work, work is about dealing with people.
When starting in a new company, either at the entry or senior level, show respect to everybody and observe carefully first before speaking up, especially criticisms of the current system or the way people doing things. Observe how things are done in terms of people, procedure, dressing style and people's work habit, communication style, and personality. Eat lunch with colleagues and attend group events if possible. If handled well, all these lunch time talks and events will get things done at work for you.

2. Respect people and deal with them in their preferred way. Show that you care about them as individuals by asking about their personal life and share stories. Think in others' shoes and how to achieve win-win when conflicts emerge. Few people are evils; they just have different opinions.


3. Be a modest leader; praise your people and others. Involve people in decision making. They will be more willing to be hold accountable.


4. Behavior and attitude are more important than results.


To be continued.....Writing a book is not easy.